What are some funny jokes you know?!
Question: What are some funny jokes you know!?
Post some funny jokes that you can think of!. :)Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money!. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die!. I want you to take all my money and
put it in the casket with me!. I want to take my money to the after life with
me!."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he
died, She would put all of the money in the casket with him!.
Well, he died!. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was
sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her!. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she
came over with the box and put it in the casket!. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and then rolled it away!. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your!? husband!." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word!. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him"!? "You mean to Tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife!. "I got it
all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque!. If he can cash
it, he can spend it!."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon!. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance!?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful!?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday!?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy!. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why!? Are you leaving!?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me!?
SHE: Nothing!. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name!?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one!?
HE: Shall we go and see a film!?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together!?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life!?
SHE: Hiding from you!.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before!?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore!.
HE: Is this seat empty!?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down
HE: Hi,didn’t we go on a date once!? or was it twice !?!?
SHE: Must have been 1 i never make the same mistake twice!.
HE: Can i buy you a drink
SHE: Actually i'd rather have the money
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter!."
Son: "Well, in that case!.!.!.ok"
Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates!.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter!."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank!."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case!.!.!.ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank!.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president!."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law!."
President: "Ah, in that case!.!.!.ok"
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything!.!. But your
attitude should be +ve!.!.!.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office!.
" What is your name!?" was the first thing she asked the new guy!.
"John ," the new guy replied!.
She said, "Look!.!.!. I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name!. It sounds familiar and that leads to a breakdown in authority!.
I refer to my employees by their last name only !.!.!. Smith, Jones, Baker !.!.!.that's all!.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs!. Robertson!. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name!?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. My name is John Darling!."
" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is !. !. !. "
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed!?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could fix the engine!.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster!.
He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work!. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom!.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do!. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer!.
He gently tapped something!. Instantly, the engine lurched into life!.
He carefully put his hammer away!. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars!.
"What!.!.!.!?" the owners exclaimed!. " He hardly did anything!.!.!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill!."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer!.!.!.!.$ 2!.00
Knowing where to!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.$ 9998!.00
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp!. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger!. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp!.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes!. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss!."
So the man agreed and made his first wish!. "I want lots of money", he said!. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account!.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars!. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car!.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied!.!.!. "I've always wanted to donate a kidney!.!.!."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
One night a man decides to visit his local bar!. He takes a seat and orders a beer!. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye!."
The bartender scoffs and accepts!. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it!. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty!.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye!."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts!. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye!. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty!. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers!.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus!. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop!."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible!. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar!. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously!.
"What's so funny!?" says the barkeep!. "You just lost everything you won and more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry!."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money!. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die!. I want you to take all my money and
put it in the casket with me!. I want to take my money to the after life with
me!."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he
died, She would put all of the money in the casket with him!.
Well, he died!. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was
sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her!. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she
came over with the box and put it in the casket!. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and then rolled it away!. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your!? husband!." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word!. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him"!? "You mean to Tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife!. "I got it
all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque!. If he can cash
it, he can spend it!."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon!. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance!?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful!?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday!?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy!. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why!? Are you leaving!?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me!?
SHE: Nothing!. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name!?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one!?
HE: Shall we go and see a film!?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together!?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life!?
SHE: Hiding from you!.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before!?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore!.
HE: Is this seat empty!?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down
HE: Hi,didn’t we go on a date once!? or was it twice !?!?
SHE: Must have been 1 i never make the same mistake twice!.
HE: Can i buy you a drink
SHE: Actually i'd rather have the money
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter!."
Son: "Well, in that case!.!.!.ok"
Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates!.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter!."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank!."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case!.!.!.ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank!.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president!."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law!."
President: "Ah, in that case!.!.!.ok"
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything!.!. But your
attitude should be +ve!.!.!.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office!.
" What is your name!?" was the first thing she asked the new guy!.
"John ," the new guy replied!.
She said, "Look!.!.!. I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name!. It sounds familiar and that leads to a breakdown in authority!.
I refer to my employees by their last name only !.!.!. Smith, Jones, Baker !.!.!.that's all!.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs!. Robertson!. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name!?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. My name is John Darling!."
" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is !. !. !. "
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed!?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could fix the engine!.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster!.
He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work!. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom!.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do!. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer!.
He gently tapped something!. Instantly, the engine lurched into life!.
He carefully put his hammer away!. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars!.
"What!.!.!.!?" the owners exclaimed!. " He hardly did anything!.!.!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill!."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer!.!.!.!.$ 2!.00
Knowing where to!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.$ 9998!.00
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp!. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger!. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp!.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes!. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss!."
So the man agreed and made his first wish!. "I want lots of money", he said!. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account!.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars!. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car!.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied!.!.!. "I've always wanted to donate a kidney!.!.!."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.
One night a man decides to visit his local bar!. He takes a seat and orders a beer!. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye!."
The bartender scoffs and accepts!. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it!. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty!.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye!."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts!. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye!. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty!. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers!.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus!. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop!."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible!. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar!. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously!.
"What's so funny!?" says the barkeep!. "You just lost everything you won and more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry!."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
A Dr!. was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children!. "You all have obsessions," he observed!.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with Eating!. You've Even named your daughter Candy!."
He turned to the second mom!. "Your obsession is with Money!. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny!."
He turns to the third mom!. "Your obsession is Alcohol!. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy!."
At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on Dick, we're leaving !!!"
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married!?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!."
A young son asked
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her!?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with Eating!. You've Even named your daughter Candy!."
He turned to the second mom!. "Your obsession is with Money!. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny!."
He turns to the third mom!. "Your obsession is Alcohol!. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy!."
At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on Dick, we're leaving !!!"
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married!?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!."
A young son asked
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her!?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood!. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do!.
"Well, you can paint my porch!. How much will you charge!?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars!?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage!. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house!?"
The man replied, "She should!. She was standing on the porch!."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money!.
"You're finished already!?" he asked!. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50!. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
"Well, you can paint my porch!. How much will you charge!?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars!?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage!. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house!?"
The man replied, "She should!. She was standing on the porch!."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money!.
"You're finished already!?" he asked!. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50!. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
Three turtles, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic!.
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches!. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there!.
When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer!.
"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne
"I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener!?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it!. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener!. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it!. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches!. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their turtle lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees!.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace!.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise!.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise!.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! !.!.!. I'm not f***ing going!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches!. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there!.
When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer!.
"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne
"I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener!?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it!. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener!. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it!. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches!. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their turtle lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees!.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace!.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise!.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise!.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! !.!.!. I'm not f***ing going!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money!.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank!?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did!.' The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly!. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank!?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!.'
---------------------
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma!. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl!. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk!. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma!.
The young girl was frantic!. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear!?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some!.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma!. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line!. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes!. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered!. "But you're so old!.!.!. how do you do it!?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny!.!.!. I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank!?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did!.' The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly!. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank!?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!.'
---------------------
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma!. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl!. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk!. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma!.
The young girl was frantic!. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear!?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some!.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma!. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line!. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes!. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered!. "But you're so old!.!.!. how do you do it!?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny!.!.!. I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
That shirt is black not!.
That shirt is NOOOT black!.
That shirt is black!.
(pause)
so thats all you've g- NOOOOOOOTTWww@Enter-QA@Com
That shirt is NOOOT black!.
That shirt is black!.
(pause)
so thats all you've g- NOOOOOOOTTWww@Enter-QA@Com
Q: why does a doctor slap a baby when it's born!?
A: to knock the penises off the stupid onesWww@Enter-QA@Com
A: to knock the penises off the stupid onesWww@Enter-QA@Com
Why did the chicken cross the road!?
to get to the other side!.
lolWww@Enter-QA@Com
to get to the other side!.
lolWww@Enter-QA@Com
A fat cat falls into a pond!.
The rooster laughs
Moral of the story!? A wet pussy!.
Makes a happy cock xDWww@Enter-QA@Com
The rooster laughs
Moral of the story!? A wet pussy!.
Makes a happy cock xDWww@Enter-QA@Com
"Life is simple"Www@Enter-QA@Com
are you looking for rude ones or normal i no rude onesWww@Enter-QA@Com
A Grandpa and a Grandma always got very happy when they recalled the old days they were together!.!.
They made a decision, one day, to make it "yesterday once more"!.!.
They made a plan to date on the river bank they used to go when they were young!.
The next day, grandpa got up at 6 a!.m!. In the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of lovely flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come!.
But Grandpa ended up in disappointment as Grandma never showed up even after sunset!.
Grandpa went home in such anger!.
He opened the door, seeing Grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow!.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
"Why didn't you come to our date!.!.!.!?"
Grandma hide her head in the pillow and replied shyly!.!.!.!.
"Mom didn't allow me to go!.!.!."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed!.
She goes downstairs to look for him!.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him!.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall!.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee!.
"What's the matter, dear!?"
she whispers as she steps into the room!.
"Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18!?" he asks solemnly!. "Yes I do" she replies!.
The husband pauses, the words were not coming easily!. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden!?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him!.
The husband continued!.!.!. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years!?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly!.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!.!.!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house!. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it!?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr!.Plumber!?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery!. Could you change it for me!?"
"What do I look like, Mr!.Goodwrench!?" was his response!. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard!. His wife then finds a leak in the roof!. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door!. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it!?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila!?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV!.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either!.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running!?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon!. What a nice man!. He came over and fixed everything!." "Wow, did he charge us anything!?" asked the husband!. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said!.
"Cool!. What kind of cake did you make!?" asked the husband!. "Cake!? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
They made a decision, one day, to make it "yesterday once more"!.!.
They made a plan to date on the river bank they used to go when they were young!.
The next day, grandpa got up at 6 a!.m!. In the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of lovely flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come!.
But Grandpa ended up in disappointment as Grandma never showed up even after sunset!.
Grandpa went home in such anger!.
He opened the door, seeing Grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow!.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
"Why didn't you come to our date!.!.!.!?"
Grandma hide her head in the pillow and replied shyly!.!.!.!.
"Mom didn't allow me to go!.!.!."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed!.
She goes downstairs to look for him!.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him!.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall!.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee!.
"What's the matter, dear!?"
she whispers as she steps into the room!.
"Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18!?" he asks solemnly!. "Yes I do" she replies!.
The husband pauses, the words were not coming easily!. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden!?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him!.
The husband continued!.!.!. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years!?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly!.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!.!.!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house!. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it!?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr!.Plumber!?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery!. Could you change it for me!?"
"What do I look like, Mr!.Goodwrench!?" was his response!. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard!. His wife then finds a leak in the roof!. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door!. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it!?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila!?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV!.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either!.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running!?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon!. What a nice man!. He came over and fixed everything!." "Wow, did he charge us anything!?" asked the husband!. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said!.
"Cool!. What kind of cake did you make!?" asked the husband!. "Cake!? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."
An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action!. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off!. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on!. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in!. The old woman stops him and says, "before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina!." The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly ****!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big a$$!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big a$$ didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!."
mothers have a day called mothers day, fathers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have!? Palm Day!
Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one!?
blonde version of who wants to be a millionaire:
fastest finger question: put these Rocky movies in order starting with the earliest!.!.!.!.!.Rocky 1,Rocky 2,Rocky 3,Rocky 4
These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland!.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home!.
They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre!. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"!.
why cant blondes make kool-aid
they cant figure out how they get 8 cups water in the koolaid packet
Did you hear about the blonde that was fired at the M&M company!?
They caught her throwing away all the W'S!.
Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths!."
Blond: Yeth!. And I'm not even thickteen yet
how did the blonde get square boobs
she forgot to take the kleenix out of the box
this blonde ladys friend was somewhat injured and needed to go to the hospital for medical attention!.So she eventually got her to the emrgency!.So the nurse at the er asked her why didnt she just cal "911"!? The blonde lady said"well i couldnt find the "11" button!."
two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!" they argue for about an hour!. next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action!. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off!. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on!. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in!. The old woman stops him and says, "before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina!." The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly ****!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big a$$!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big a$$ didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!."
mothers have a day called mothers day, fathers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have!? Palm Day!
Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one!?
blonde version of who wants to be a millionaire:
fastest finger question: put these Rocky movies in order starting with the earliest!.!.!.!.!.Rocky 1,Rocky 2,Rocky 3,Rocky 4
These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland!.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home!.
They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre!. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"!.
why cant blondes make kool-aid
they cant figure out how they get 8 cups water in the koolaid packet
Did you hear about the blonde that was fired at the M&M company!?
They caught her throwing away all the W'S!.
Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths!."
Blond: Yeth!. And I'm not even thickteen yet
how did the blonde get square boobs
she forgot to take the kleenix out of the box
this blonde ladys friend was somewhat injured and needed to go to the hospital for medical attention!.So she eventually got her to the emrgency!.So the nurse at the er asked her why didnt she just cal "911"!? The blonde lady said"well i couldnt find the "11" button!."
two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!" they argue for about an hour!. next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train!.Www@Enter-QA@Com