Please rate my story :)?!


Question: Please rate my story :)!?
Night People
Prologue
He crouched behind the bushes!. Afraid!. Going back wasn’t an option!. Going back was choosing to go to hell!. He brushed his annoyingly long hair behind his ears, and moved to the next bush!. He dug deep into his pocket searching for the tiniest bit of food!. Nothing!. A blank piece of paper, a nametag that read “Luke”!. But no food!.
In the distance Luke could hear the faint voices of the night people!.
Not knowing where his destination was, he jumped up from behind the bushes and sprinted to the passing street!. He carried on running, getting ever so closer to the night people!. He arrived at a rotting wooden fence!. He stopped suddenly at the sound of voices!. Luke could see two men through the gaps in the fence!. The two men, like all night people, wore long blood red pants and a night black hooded jumper!. Luke couldn’t see their faces, but he could hear what they were saying!.
“So are you trying to tell me that the parts haven’t arrived yet!?” asked the first man!.Www@Enter-QA@Com


Answers:
I think there are a lot of cliches in this story and that is a big big no no in creative writing!.
"Crouched behind bushes" His lower back ached with strain from having to sink low enough behind the small juniper bush not to be seen!. ( Yes I know I am using cliches!.!.but this is off the seat of my pants)
"Going back wasn't an option"
"Dug Deep into his pockets"
"Tiniest bit of food"

"In the distance" : Are they in front of him!? Behind him!? A block away--barely noticable!?

"Hear the faint voices": Does that mean he can hear them and what they are saying!.!.!.!.or he thinks he can hear them, but he isn't sure because they are so far away!.

"Sprinted to the passing street" ==what is a passing street!?

"rotting wooden fence" Where was the wooden fence rotted!? The bottom because of wet grass hitting it for years!? The top because of rain---all of it, was is falling apart--what did it smell like, feel like, look like!. When he touches it does some come off in his hand, is it slimy!?

"stopped suddenly" Out of fear!? Reached his destination--did the fence stop him!? Did he get a blister he stopped so fast!?

"couldn't see their faces" of course you can never see the bad guys faces---that what makes it so scary when you finally do see them!.!.also don't say something like---their faces were in shadow!.


also try to SHOW what is happening by using phrases with more than one of the 5 senses are being explored!. See the Rotting wood "help"

I would also try and use a thesaurus for a lot of the descriptive words or phrases!. "blood red pants" People see different colors of red when you say Blood red, is it fresh blood or deep almost purple blood red or any of the other ways to describe blood!?

My teacher also said!.!.!.answer a question by asking another one!.!.!.!.example:

The red pants the night people wore reminded Luke of the blood he saw dripping (sorry cliche) out of Samatha's legs!.

Ok!.!.!.so we know the color of the blood red pants, but who is Samatha and why did she have blood dripping out of her legs!?--I know there is no samatha--and no blood dripping out of her legs, but you raised more interest here!. Do you get it!?

Plus the line---getting ever so closer to the night people---is very strange to read!. I really suggest re-writing it!.!.!.totally pulled me out of the story because it didn't flow!. And also the line---he carried on running!.

It sounds like a good concept!. I am wondering if the Night People are human, or something else!? Parts for what!? To make more night people!.!.!.for a massive weapon!. Do all the night people look the same under their hooded jumper (PS-not so sure what a jumper is!? Are you american!? different countries have different words!.) These are all questions that haven't been answered that I am interested in finding out!.!.!.so good job peaking interest!. SOrry for misspelled words or bad grammer---that is why I needed a really good teacher (see below)Www@Enter-QA@Com

Let me know when you have a book out so I can buy itWww@Enter-QA@Com

10/10

awesome and excellent !.!.!.!.!. loved it !.!.!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.!.good job!.!.!.!.!.keep up the good work!Www@Enter-QA@Com

its not really my type of story but its pretty good writing =]Www@Enter-QA@Com

Uhhhhhhhhh! I don't know I guess a 5 I don't really get into stuff like that! SorryWww@Enter-QA@Com

Mami likes!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

wow, its really good!? I wanna know what happens now!! Good JobWww@Enter-QA@Com

pretty good so far!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

i don't get it really!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com



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