Can you give me some good jokes to laugh my heart out?!


Question: Can you give me some good jokes to laugh my heart out!?
Post the most hilarious joke you have ever heard!. Thank u!.

I dont mind if you copy-paste someone else's joke!.Www@Enter-QA@Com


Answers:
my joke
A mortician was working late one night!. He examined the body of Mr!. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery!.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr!. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't
allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part!.
It must be saved for posterity!.' He stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home!.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,opening his briefcase!.
'Oh My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'Www@Enter-QA@Com

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital!.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience!.

Seeing God She asked "Is my time up!?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live"

Upon recovery,the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck!. She even had someone come in and change her hair color!.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it!.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital!. While crossing the street on her way home,she was killed by an ambulance!.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years!? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance!?"



(You'll love this!!!)
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God replied, "I didn't recognize you!."

CheerS!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, 'I bet 50 dollars that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play'!. The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar!. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar!. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks!. Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo!. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner!.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm!. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, 'now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars'!. The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle!.

Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says 'What are you pissing around for!? Hurry up and play the damn thing!' The octopus says, 'What do you mean!? If I can work out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna f*** it!'Www@Enter-QA@Com

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant!.
Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother!.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did This to you!?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes
a call!.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their
house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair
and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps
out of it and enters the house!.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your
daughter has informed me of the Problem!. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family
Situation, but I'll take responsibility!. If a girl is
born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account!. If a boy
is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account!.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each!.
However,

If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do!?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand

Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can
try again !"Www@Enter-QA@Com

Kids Are Quick!


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is!.
TEACHER: Correct!. Now class, who discovered America !?
CLASS: Maria



_______________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
Floor!?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!.

______________________________________!.!.!.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile!?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!.

______________________________________!.!.!.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water!?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!.
TEACHER: What are you talking about!?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!.

__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
Didn't have ten years ago!.
WINNIE: Me!

______________________________________!.!.!.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty!?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are!.

_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father'scherry tree, but also admitted it!. Now, Louie, do you know why his
Father didn't punish him!?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand!.

______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
Eating!?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!.

______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
As your brother's!. Did you copy his!?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog!.

___________________________________


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
People are no longer interested!?
HAROLD: A teacherWww@Enter-QA@Com

explore http://www!.hindisagar!.com and peace out!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

my friend wet-dreams every niteWww@Enter-QA@Com

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."



An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."


a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.



A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."

"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "

"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."



so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.



learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah



There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?Www@Enter-QA@Com

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition!.

The winners are:

1!. Cashtration (n!.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time!.

2!. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole!.

3!. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with!.

4!. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly!.

5!. Bozone (n!.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating!. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of break ing
down in the near future!.

6!. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of ge tting
laid!.

7!. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray- painted very, very high!.

8!. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it!.

9!. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late!.

10!. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness!.

11!. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease!. (This one got extra credit!.)

12!. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer!.

13!. Decafalon (n!.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you

14!. Glibido: All talk and no action!.

15!. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly!.

16!. Arachnoleptic fit (n!.): The frantic dance performed just after y ou've
accidentally walked through a spider web!.

17!. Beelzebug (n!.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out!.

18!. Caterpallor (n!.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you're eating!.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words!.

And the winners are:

1!. coffee, n!. the person upon whom one coughs!.

2!. flabbergasted, adj!. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained!.

3!. abdicate, v!. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach!.

4!. esplanade, v!. to attempt an explanation while drunk!.

5!. willy-nilly, adj!. impotent!.

6!. negligent, adj!. a bsentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown!.

7!. lymph, v!. to walk with a lisp!.

8!. gargoyle, n!. olive-flavored mouthwash!.

9!. flatulence, n!. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over
by a ste amroller!.

10!. balderdash, n!. a rapidly receding hairline!.

11!. testicle, n!. a humorous question on an exam!.

12!. rectitude, n!. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists!.

13!. pokemon, n!. a Rastafarian proctologist!.

14!. oyster, n!. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms!.

15!. Frisbeetarianism, n!. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there!.

16!. circumvent, n!. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men!.Www@Enter-QA@Com



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