Here r some funny jokes for u all :)?!


Question: Here r some funny jokes for u all :)!?
Why It's Important to Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose!. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin!. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane!.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader!.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared!.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama!.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied!. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven!."
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A Chinese man and a Jewish American man were sitting opposite each other in an otherwise empty train carriage!. After half an hour the Jewish man suddenly got up and punched the Chinese guy full in the face then sat back down!. "What did you do that for!?" asked the Chinese man!. The Jewish guy replied!. "That's for Pearl Harbour!." The Chinese man explained that he was Chinese and not Japanese and the Jewish guy said!."Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same to me, I'm sorry"
Ten minutes later the Chinese guy got up and kicked the Jewish guy hard on the shin!. The Jewish guy said, "What did you do that for!? I said sorry!." The Chinese guy replied!. "That's for the Titanic!." The Jewish guy replied!. "That was sunk by an iceberg!." The Chinese guy said, "Icebergs, Goldberg's you are all the same to me!."
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Did you hear about the blind skunk!?
Fell in love with a fart!
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast!. The mime next door went nuts!.
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Six guys are playing poker!. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table!. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws!. Anderson picks the short one!.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge!.
"Leave it to me," he says!. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards!."
"How much!?" the wife yells, eyes blazing!. "Tell him to drop dead!"
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich!. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead!. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going!? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda!. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring!. Eats shoots and leaves!."
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A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out!. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me!. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight!."
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby!. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen!. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming!. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you!."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr!. Watson go on a camping trip!. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep!.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend!. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson!.

"And what do you deduce from that!?"

Watson ponders for a minute!.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets!. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo!. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three!. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe!. What does it tell you, Holmes!?"

Holmes is silent for a moment!. "Watson, you idiot!" he says!. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses!. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed!. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services!. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do!?"!. The operator says "Calm down!. I can help!. First, let's make sure he's dead!." There is a silence, then a shot is heard!. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what!?"
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What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common!?

Their balls are just for decoration!.
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why did the boy fall off the swing!?

because someone threw a refrigerator at him
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John, a strawberry seller died and went to heaven!. However, since he bribed many people during his life, St Peter decided that he should be going to hell!. So then the fruit seller decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give him a tone of strawberries!. St Peter then said that in order to stay in heaven, john will have to shove that tone of strawberries up his A**!. Desperate to stay, john did!. Then came Phil, a friend of john who sold watermelons!. Since he was also involved in bribing, St Peter decided to send Phil to hell!. He too decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give a tone of watermelons!. Just as St peter asked john he told Phil to shove that tone of watermelon up his A** and he can to stay in heaven!. So Phil did as St Peter asked!. After while john and Phil both started to laugh!. St Peter all confused asked both of them why they r laughing after such a punishment!. John then replied “we r just waiting for our friend…he sold pineapples!”Www@Enter-QA@Com


Answers:
I thought they were all great!
You made me smile which is!.!.!. unusual! :-( - (-:Www@Enter-QA@Com

super funny i love all of them :)Www@Enter-QA@Com

this are great jokes, thank you for it!. here a star :)Www@Enter-QA@Com

ha ha da one with da skunk was funny cus i imagined da skunk snifing and saying oh my darling i want to have for myself foreverWww@Enter-QA@Com

good one!.!.!.!.!.excellent
very funny !.!.!.!.!. loved it !.!.!.!.!.gave me a good laugh
!.!.!.!.!.good job!.!.!.!.!.keep up the good onesWww@Enter-QA@Com

Sorry I'm going to piggyback your jokes to save points!.

Airline Announcements!?

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings!. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have!. '
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard!. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline!.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment!. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane!.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question!?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot!. 'What is it!?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down!?'
**************************************!.!.!.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
**************************************!.!.!.

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that!.'
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal!.'
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy d ay: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it!. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo !.!.!. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments!.'
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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings!. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants!. Please do not leave children or spouses!.!.!.!.!.!.except for that gentleman over there!.'
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City !. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking!. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt!.'
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt!. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate!. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal!.'
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today!. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways!.'
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em!.'
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport !. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitu de, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking!. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles !.!. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight!. Now sit back and relax!.!.!. OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said , 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier!. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant a ccidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap!. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing!. You should see the back of mine!'Www@Enter-QA@Com

star star! thx for those jokes =PWww@Enter-QA@Com

lol
funny
i liked them
a star for you :)Www@Enter-QA@Com

hahaha
those made me laugh
u deserve a starWww@Enter-QA@Com

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOL
OMG HAHAHAHA
I!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. HAHAHA!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
CANT!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. HAHAHAHAH STOP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OH MY GUT!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

Thank you, I needed a laugh!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

hahahahahahaha
i like the fruit one!.!.!.!.!.
awesome jokesWww@Enter-QA@Com

fumnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!Y!Www@Enter-QA@Com

Wow, none of those were funny!. At all!.

I wish I would have stopped reading after the first one, but I figured there are so many, there should at least be ONE funny one!.
I was wrong!.Www@Enter-QA@Com



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