Does anybody know any funny joke stories?!

Question: Does anybody know any funny joke stories!?
I have to find some for a class i am taking!. I have found some but nothing that would make everyone in the class laugh the way i want them to!. It has to be a clean joke (no racism or sexist like jokes ect ect) and not that long!.

Any sites that you can recommend!? Thanks in advanced!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

Ok this a true story about an old boss i had - it happened to him and his mom!. At the time he was probably around 45 or 50 and his mom was in her 70''s and she lived in fla and they were taking a trip to the Orlando area - so he was driving her around and she said look Bobby we are in kissimee ( she pronounced it kiss a me) and he said no mom its pronounced " kiss emmy" she said no Bobby its "Kiss a Me"and he said no mom is "Kiss emmy" and she said no its " Kiss a me" he said "whatever" dropped the subject, he knew that his mohter thought she was always right and he kept driving!.!. well they were getting hungry and he said "mom do you want to stop and get something to eat!?" and she said "yes sure"!. So they stop at the first fast food restaurant and they place their order and go towards teh back of the resurant to sit down and as they pass a table near the back the mother sees an older woman sitting there about her age and she figures shes going to show her son whose right - so she stops - and she says to the lady - excuse me mamm but could you do me a big favor!.!.!. please tell me WHERE we are and pronounce it very very slow here so my son can understand it!.!.!. and the lady looks up at the two of them and says - "Burrr Gurrr King!.!."

Hope you liked it!.!. funny but clean!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

How about this one!?

How do you catch a polar bear!?

First you cut a whole in the ice,
then you put peas around the hole in the ice,
then you wait for the bear to came to take a pea
and you kick him in the ice hole!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

This are bloodu hilarous to me thogu hhope you finf them funny as well :)

There was this guy who loved onions more than anything, until he met this girl and fell in love!. So he vowed to give them up because they gave him so much gas!. One day he was walking down the street by a market and they were having an onion sale!. He couldn't resist and so he bought one and it was so good, he ate the whole thing!.Later he met up with his gf and she told him that she had a surprise for him at home, but before they entered the house she put him on a blind fold!.When they entered the house the phone rang and she went into the kitchen to answer it!. Well by now, the onions has begin to kick in and he had to fart!. So he listened out and heard her still on the phone so he let out a loud fart!. Umm that feels much better he said!. A few seconds later, he had to fart again, so he listened for her again and she was still on the phone!. This times he couldn't hold back and let out the loudest fart you have ever heard!. A few seconds later his gf re-entered the room!. Are you ready for the suprise she said!. O!.k you can take off the blind fold!." SUPRISE" everyone shouted!!!!!!

Jack meets the priest of the town!. While saying hello, Jack asks, "So, how's it going!?"
"Nothing special, my son!. I've just got some dam fish"
"Oh, no! I mean D-A-M, the dam at the exit of our town"
"Ohh!! You mean DAM fish!! Sorry for the misunderstanding!"

After some laughter, Jack decides to have some fish for his family!. His wife's there, waiting for him!.
"Hi, darling! How are you!?"
"I'm alright, I've just bought some dam fish," says Jack, reacting immediately to his wife's astonished face!. "Oh, darling, I mean D-A-M - DAM fish!. Don't get me wrong!"
"Oh! Sorry, dear!."

It was finally time to eat!. Hmm! The smell of the food was delicious, so little Johnny can't help asking,
"So, what's for dinner!?"
"You won't believe it! Your father's brought some dam fish"

"I see, mom!. Can you now pass me the f***ing potatoes, please!?

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello!.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me!?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids!."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my *** with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt!?"

She said, looks at him strangely and replies"No, I'm your son's math teacher!."

you have 5 secs:

you walk into a haunted house with no electricity!. the front door screeches as you open it up!. up to the right, you see cobwebs!. to the left, broken stairs!. so you continue forward!. you have a choice between two doors: one has star on it, the other a moon!. you choose the door with the moon!. a bat flies over your head as you enter the room!. you approach a second set of doors!.!.!. one wood and one metal!. you choose to go through the wooden door!. you hear a sound so you continue forward!. you must choose a way to die!. you can either go to the man with the gun - a quick, painless death- or the electric chair - known to be slow and painful!. which do you choose!?

electric chair because there is no electricity

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years!. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns!. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed!. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair!. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom!.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict!. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years!. I saw how he kissed your neck!. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain!.!.!.!.!.do whatever he tells you!. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you!. This guy is obviously very dangerous!. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both!. Be strong, honey!. I love you!"

His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear!. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline!. I told him It was in the bathroom!. Be strong!. I love you, too!."

Part One:

What is greater than God and more evil than the Devil!?

Part Two:

The Rich man wants it, but the Poor man has it!.


Son takes his father to the doctor!. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer!. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it!.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends!. He tells them that hWww@Enter-QA@Com

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