I need a good joke plz....?!

Question: I need a good joke plz!.!.!.!.!?
i have a guy friend whos down at the moment and wanted to send him some cute n flirty jokes,
can someone plz help as im rubbish at jokes!.
tank you in advanceWww@Enter-QA@Com


Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs!. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics!.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1!. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking!.

2!. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals!.

3!. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle!.

4!. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares!.!.!.!.!. and watched what happened!.

5!. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area!.

6!. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove!.

7!. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone!?'

8!. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it!.

9!. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were!.

10!. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme!.

11!. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels!.

12!. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13!. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!.'

And; last, but not least:

14!. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!.'Www@Enter-QA@Com

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly
The doc tor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my
'So what do you think about that Doc !?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story!.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid
hunter and never misses a season!.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting!.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun!.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male
beaver sitting at the water's edge!.
He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature!.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
bang'!.' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver
fell over dead!.
Now, what do you think of that!?' asked the doctor!.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver!.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly!.'Www@Enter-QA@Com

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm!.

His wife is lying in bed reading!.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache!."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep!."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!."

Don't tell anyone!.!.!.!.!.!. I'm gonna go down on you!.!.!.!.
!.!.!.And you're gonna love it!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.Then I'm gonna come back up again and **** you big time!.!.!.!.!.

Lots of love,
Petrol prices xxWww@Enter-QA@Com

a lunatic started to stand on pebbles then jump and was asked by a person passing by what are trying to do he said commit suicide so the person said try stand on top of a skyscraper then jump so the lunatic said are trying to get me killed punkWww@Enter-QA@Com

read funny stuff at http://emails-by-friends!.blogspot!.com/se!.!.!. and if you want to forward, you canWww@Enter-QA@Com

A girl named Josie went to the Hospital for a checkup then the doctor said that she was pregnant again!.!. so she went home and told her husband!.!.!. (husband's name was Joshua)

!.!.!.Joshua!.!. I'm pregnant again!.!.!.

Joshua: wait!.!.!. is that Jonah or Josie!?Www@Enter-QA@Com

A lion met a black man in the jungle !.!.

The man said : oh please don't eat me !.
The lion replied : don't worry , the doctor orders me not to eat Barbecue!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

4 guys walk in to a gay bar and there is 1 stool what did they do!? turned it upside downWww@Enter-QA@Com

There are so many!.!.!.!.I was thinking of giving you one, but I don't know your taste so here is a website you can sind some very nice jokes that will definately cheer your friend up:
I tried writing some but I don't know why and my answer wasn't complete!. Here are my favorites:

This are my favourite jokes! :) There is a funny flirty joke near the bottem :) Hope these will cheer him up :)

There was this guy who loved onions more than anything, until he met this girl and fell in love!. So he vowed to give them up because they gave him so much gas!. One day he was walking down the street by a market and they were having an onion sale!. He couldn't resist and so he bought one and it was so good, he ate the whole thing!.Later he met up with his gf and she told him that she had a surprise for him at home, but before they entered the house she put him on a blind fold!.When they entered the house the phone rang and she went into the kitchen to answer it!. Well by now, the onions has begin to kick in and he had to fart!. So he listened out and heard her still on the phone so he let out a loud fart!. Umm that feels much better he said!. A few seconds later, he had to fart again, so he listened for her again and she was still on the phone!. This times he couldn't hold back and let out the loudest fart you have ever heard!. A few seconds later his gf re-entered the room!. Are you ready for the suprise she said!. O!.k you can take off the blind fold!." SUPRISE" everyone shouted!!!!!!

Jack meets the priest of the town!. While saying hello, Jack asks, "So, how's it going!?"
"Nothing special, my son!. I've just got some dam fish"
"Oh, no! I mean D-A-M, the dam at the exit of our town"
"Ohh!! You mean DAM fish!! Sorry for the misunderstanding!"

After some laughter, Jack decides to have some fish for his family!. His wife's there, waiting for him!.
"Hi, darling! How are you!?"
"I'm alright, I've just bought some dam fish," says Jack, reacting immediately to his wife's astonished face!. "Oh, darling, I mean D-A-M - DAM fish!. Don't get me wrong!"
"Oh! Sorry, dear!."

It was finally time to eat!. Hmm! The smell of the food was delicious, so little Johnny can't help asking,
"So, what's for dinner!?"
"You won't believe it! Your father's brought some dam fish"

"I see, mom!. Can you now pass me the f***ing potatoes, please!?

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello!.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me!?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids!."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my *** with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt!?"

She said, looks at him strangely and replies"No, I'm your son's math teacher!."

you have 5 secs:

you walk into a haunted house with no electricity!. the front door screeches as you open it up!. up to the right, you see cobwebs!. to the left, broken stairs!. so you continue forward!. you have a choice between two doors: one has star on it, the other a moon!. you choose the door with the moon!. a bat flies over your head as you enter the room!. you approach a second set of doors!.!.!. one wood and one metal!. you choose to go through the wooden door!. you hear a sound so you continue forward!. you must choose a way to die!. you can either go to the man with the gun - a quick, painless death- or the electric chair - known to be slow and painful!. which do you choose!?

electric chair bc there is no electricity

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years!. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns!. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed!. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair!. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom!.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict!. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years!. I saw how he kissed your neck!. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain!.!.!.!.!.do whatever he tells you!. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you!. This guy is obviously very dangerous!. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both!. Be strong, honey!. I love you!"

His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear!. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline!. I told him It was in the bathroom!. Be strong!. I love you, too!."

Part One:

What is greater than God and more evil than the Devil!?

Part Two:

The Rich man wants it, but the Poor man has it!.


Son takes his father to the doctor!. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer!. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it!.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends!. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS!. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer!. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS!?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'

Who's This Guy
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter!.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand!.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied!.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man!.

Naturally, the guy began to worry!.

"Is this your husband!?" he inquired nervously!.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him!.

"Your boyfriend then!?" he asked!.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear!.

"Well, who is he then!?" demanded the bewildered guy!.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation!."Www@Enter-QA@Com

Go to some jokes websites!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

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