Magazine/Newspaper Article?!

Magazine/Newspaper Article?

Well, I'm not too sure whether any of you guys could help me out. It maybe isn't really the type of question to be posting here, though hear me out for one sec. I have to rewrite this newspaper article for homework and am having some trouble doing so as I don't understand some sentences (it's a humorous text). I'm sure any of you would be able to understand the humour and I have to rewrite it so that anyone in any country, etc, etc can understand it. For example, some people (say in Africa, etc) would not know who David Beckham or Jamie Oliver are. I've rewritten the majority of it, though there are a few sentences that I'm having trouble understanding and being able to put in my own words. If you want, I could email you what I've done so far in my own words and make the sentences which I don't understand bold. I really need this help, it's pretty urgent. Here's the newspaper article. Thanks.

http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/stickych...

The newspaper article we are being shown is about Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin naming their child Apple Martin. The article is funny in any country the article you may have read is different but im sure what you have written is good. Just remember quotes have to remain the same just summarise but also include information that is not in the text about who the stars are and a little of their previous history such as David Beckham who he is married to and the Football teams he has played for etc. Good luck in your work