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Answers: I am hoping that some young aspiring author will take up the challenge to write my biography. I would like them to chronicle my young beginnings, starting out as a chimney sweep, through to my glory days as a table tennis stud and Mr Nude Chess Club multiple title holder. Finally, some reference should be made to my more recent times as a recording piano accordian artist, my controversial affair with Nasty McCain and subsequent slide into male prostitution. Could you give a name to my biography or your own?

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Born to poor coconut farmers in the outback K-Mac had little to look forward to until the fateful day when his parents Bruce and Shelia were eaten by piranha while picking up spare change from the tank at the Australian Science and Education Aquarium Centre.

Taken in by chimney sweeps and taught the trade, due to his diminutive size K-Mac was soon sought far and wide for cleaning the smallest of flue pipes. After a serious chimney sweeping accident involving a rope around his neck which resulted in oxygen depravation and brain damage his benefactors abandoned him in the outback once again where he was raised by wallabies.

One fateful day young K-Mac stumbled upon a discarded table tennis set and soon discovered that by jumping around like a wallabie he was an invincible opponent. His rise to stardom was almost as meteoric as his sudden disappearance from the pro circuit when a routine pre-tournament medical examination could not determine his gender and he was thrown off the national team.

Wandering through the ancestral coconut groves he came upon Gary Kasparov who was taking a holiday and looking for someone to beat the snot out of in chess. It seems the earlier brain damage had given young K-Mac an advantage in the respect that there was almost no activity in his brain and he could only see in black and white. He quickly caught on to the game and although his habit of playing in the nude kept him from international fame he was soon voted president of the newly formed Queensland Mr. Nude chess club where he became multiple title holder several years in a row.

Bolstered by his successes K-Mac thought he would try his hand at the music industry, packing up his meager belongings he boarded a steamer and made his way to Nashville. Using the money he had stolen from the chess club he bought a second hand accordion and was soon playing covers of Weird Al Yankovich in local honkytonks, one night he was discovered by a producer and offered a contract for his first album. Unfortunately playing accordion in the nude lead to an unexpected accident when he crushed his scrotum putting an end to the recording sessions. There are only two know copies of the session and those who have heard the recording say the last few seconds are priceless for the unusual sound effects.

Continued in part 2

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no, but several have suggested epitaphs

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I'll write your biography. Give me a week.

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"Paddles, Pawns, Progeria and Priapism :
K-MAC's Fall From Glory Days to Glory Holing"

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