How am i s'posed to feel?!


Question: today i had some news that my ex husband died early this morning, we have not seen each other for over 18 years and i left him because he was a violent controlling manipulative bully who put me and my kids through hell for many years, neither me or my kids have seen him since because we had to go to a safe place to get away from him, over the years we have built a new life and hapily got on with it ( they are grown men now) we have been happy and safe without him, so when heard the news of his death today i didn't feel anything, infact i got a rush of elation, i asked my sons how they felt about the death of their dad, and they don't seem bothered at all...i am not grieving for him at all and in a way i am glad that he's gone because he can't hurt anyone else any more his mother called me a heartless B!tch and told me that i was not to go to the funeral and hung up the phone, so i just want to know if anyone else has experienced this, i don't feel sorrow or grief, is this normal...?


Answers: today i had some news that my ex husband died early this morning, we have not seen each other for over 18 years and i left him because he was a violent controlling manipulative bully who put me and my kids through hell for many years, neither me or my kids have seen him since because we had to go to a safe place to get away from him, over the years we have built a new life and hapily got on with it ( they are grown men now) we have been happy and safe without him, so when heard the news of his death today i didn't feel anything, infact i got a rush of elation, i asked my sons how they felt about the death of their dad, and they don't seem bothered at all...i am not grieving for him at all and in a way i am glad that he's gone because he can't hurt anyone else any more his mother called me a heartless B!tch and told me that i was not to go to the funeral and hung up the phone, so i just want to know if anyone else has experienced this, i don't feel sorrow or grief, is this normal...?

You are supposed to feel exactly as you do, he was a bully who almost ruined your life and any trust you might have had left, my father died 3 weeks ago, I felt exactly the same as you do now, in fact I wanted to open a bottle of champagne to celebrate, you know people who have never gone through what you have won't understand it, how can they, my father was exactly the same as your ex husband, he was a psychopath who put the fear of god in all of us, you have to move on from it and not be their victim, good on you girl and may your life be filled with love and happiness from now on.

There is no reason why you should feel sad at the passing of someone who has caused you a lot of pain and who has been apart from you for such a long time. Don't feel guilty about it.

I don't think you are heartless - I am just happy for you and your children that you were strong enough to get away from someone abusive and have a good life.

I was in the same situation, only my ex is still living.

I think I would feel much safer with him having passed away, and that no one else would ever get hurt by him again.

I think what you are feeling is quite normal.

Why should you feel sad? I mean he was a bully. Just because you were married to him doesn't mean you have to feel sad when he dies. I mean (I know this sounds awful) I would be relieved that he wasn't there to hurt you anymore. I dunno. And for his Mother calling you names that proovs where he got his ignorence from in the first place and I hope you called her back and told her she was one!! Well I hope I was some help. :)

young lady , what you had was sorrow , what you have now is joy . Feel the joy , let the dog lie and be forgotten

i think you feel perfectly normal.Dont feel ANY guilt.you should just feel proud you got out of the situation you were in and youve done a marvelous job bringing up your children,WELL DONE! xxx

Sorry to hear about your past life. Don't let the past rear its ugly head and ruin what you have now.

I think you are quite right to not want to go to the funeral, after all you can always go and dance on his grave after the others have gone! ;-))

It never feels right to feel good at the death of anyone, that's probably why I sense you have a little feeling of guilt! Not guilt exactly, but I guess questioning how you should feel!
You have every right to feel relief at his passing, it seems he was an entirely objectionable man, why his Mother would expect any other kind of reaction is a mystery, still she was his Mother, and Mothers often view their offspring through rose coloured glasses! Just get on with your life, and enjoy any, and all the happiness you get! It sounds to me like you earned it!!
Good luck!

You're not supposed to feel anything - no rule book for feelings! It sounds normal, let his family get over their grief and also let your sons feel what they have to . Their feelings may change in a few weeks/months. Be ready for it. Is this really an Entertainment & Music question???

Hooray for you! I understand completely. I also have an ex (who is unfortunately not dead) who is a right b***ard and periodically attempts to resurface in my life. He recently found me again after 10 years of peace (we have been separated 15 years--didn't go far enough away for the first 5 years), but I am stronger now and he has merely been an annoyance this time. Why would you be sad at the passing of such a miserable excuse for a man? ROCK ON and tell those in-laws to stuff it! I fully intend to drink champagne on my ex's grave when he goes! (although not within sight of any of his people) ;-))

As you know Tats I was in something of a similar situation to you. What you are experiencing is normal - he hurt you and he hurt your kids because you had to break the family up. As your boys don't feel anything either I think this tells you a lot. Put it behind you, don't give it another thought and forget his family who, as you say, had no communication with you over 18 years His mother's opinion counts for nothing - she is far worse for not seeing her grandchildren all these years.. What is past is past - you and your boys have to look to the future.

As long as you are sure that your children are not bothered about not going to the funeral...then carry on with your life as normal. If his family want them to go..then encourage them to go. Going will help them to finalise their feelings for him..Whatever those feelings are.
It would have been nice if you could have gone to the funeral because you could have buried your hurt with him....By staring into his grave and thinking..."Rot in hell"
'

It sounds to me that he's lucky that his death even inspires joy in you!

Who's to say what is normal?
Most people would be fortunate not to ever have to be in that situation, not meet a man who was a complete b@stard.
If you want to go and celebrate then go do it and have every ones blessing!
The main thing I guess is as long as your kids are dealing with it, then be happy, ignore his mother, who's she to your family after all these years anyway?!

Live for yourself and your kids, screw (sorry for the bluntness) the others that have ignored you for so many years!
Have a drink for me Tats and be happy! :-D

I am suprised they even told you at all he was dead so obvious done for mallace and to try and hurt you. Take no notice of his mother as she has done many wrongs one not seeing what sort of son she had and the damage he inflicted on you all and two missing out on her grandson's lives her loss not yours.
news of someone's death effects people in different ways and your is one of relief because although no contact for 18 years he was still around and in your subconcious you knew this.
You are feeling what you are feeling no wrongs no rights to this situation.
i do understand but will not put how on here but you have made a good life for yourself and have your lovely sons around you he died a lonely, sad man justice for how he treated not only you, your sons but also many others that he has come in to contact with.
Tell his family to get lost and do as you have done for the last 18 yrs get on with your life.

Just after Christmas, 2 years ago, my ex-sister-in-law knocked on my daughter's door to inform her that my 1st husband, my children's dad,her brother ,had died. She wanted to know would we like to go to the funeral !!!!.
My daughter said that she hadn't seen him since she was 2years old(then 39 ) so couldn't see the point. I NEVER go to anyone's funeral ,anyway, and my younger daughter was just a baby when he left so didn't know him either.
The sister-in-law thought we may like to, perhaps, show our respects at his passing ???!!! He only lived half a mile away ,never saw the girls,never sent any cards,occasionally had the maintainance stopped from his wages (£1.50 per week per child !!) just sort of wiped us from his life,really.
None of us went,none of us felt guilty and to be fair , sister-in-law understood and remained on (fairly) good terms with us all. I sent a condolence card to HER on her loss of a brother as I realise it was quite difficult for her to approach us after all that time.
Like you -I felt nothing, neither did my kids -have a drink, girl -in fact have 2 -so will I. What you feel is quite normal.
(and have you noticed -no TDs for your question)

The only feeling you should have is relief. After the crap he put you and your children through that's all you should feel (Iwould). Many wives who stay with men like that end up dead or maimed for life, and you didn't. You were able to rise above it, get away from it (many don't, they stay) and make a home for you and your boys. The fact that they are grown and have done well should give you a feeling of pride. I had a husband who was an alcoholic, verbally abusive (sometimes that's worse cause you really don''t forget abusive words) and I ended up not loving him anymore. I broke up with him and got a divorce when my daughter was 5 so she was very fortunate not to have to grown up with him. She now takes care of him because of his heart and has told me many times she was very glad I left him. There's no reason for you to go to the funeral, maybe you should celebrate cause that phase of your life is entirely over.

Tatty.I too have been a similar situation.I left my ex,7 years ago after 13 years of marriage...he became a very controlling man,who changed me as a person,not even being able to have an opinion,so I left the marriage,which was so hard as my daughter was only 9,but I HAD to do it,so I could become the person I was.
She sees him most weekends,and has formed her own opinion of him...I have never bad mouthed him,she has learnt this herself.I know that one day I will have to face this position you are in and I have taken on board what people have so kindly said to you.
I hope too one day to find someone to share my life so that I do not have to face it on my own,but I know the day will come.
I think I will also not feel anything,but know I will have my daughters grief to deal with,and I will be there for her.
Just remember you made the right choice and enjoy the rest of your life.
Thinking of you.



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