Why is that most parents boast that they are great "parents" and event!
Question: Apart from abuse and infidelity, I am referring to the idiosyncratic reasons of why they divorce. The selfish divorce is what its called.
la la la la.... some wise one reported the same question I asked.
For those who have divorced or has someone divorced close to them for other reasons I dont want to know....
I want to know about why people stop and change course for really vague reasons....
Where is the commitment? Where are the values?
Kids learning without good examples, learning the same pattern of behaviour.... whats the world coming too?
Please debate and write your ideas down...
Answers: Apart from abuse and infidelity, I am referring to the idiosyncratic reasons of why they divorce. The selfish divorce is what its called.
la la la la.... some wise one reported the same question I asked.
For those who have divorced or has someone divorced close to them for other reasons I dont want to know....
I want to know about why people stop and change course for really vague reasons....
Where is the commitment? Where are the values?
Kids learning without good examples, learning the same pattern of behaviour.... whats the world coming too?
Please debate and write your ideas down...
Your concerns are valid. Where the world is going to, is not a nice place. Many people no longer even believe in the commitment to stay married to a person forever. You see this in of your answers.
They say that people grow a part, that people grow in other directions, that they no longer love their spouce (translate to, I no longer feel the excitement and passion for my spouce). All of this translates to, I only want to stay married as long as it's fun to be married.
I see your concern. If parents don't show their children a good example by staying with each other, how are their children going to learn to be that way too.
For someone like you who is at a time when she wants to be a couple and then a wife, it's very scary. What if I marry someone and then a few years later, he divorces me? Where is the security in that?
As an older person, I get to say, back in my day. When I was in my teens, It was illegal for for man to divorce his wife except for adultery or abandonment. That's all! It was illegal for a woman to divorce her husband except for adultery, abandonment, or lack of financial support.
Don't marry anyone until you are rock solid sure of their character and beliefs. If they are not more concerned about God's will than their own and believe that God does not want us to get divorced, find someone else. By the way, I hope things work out with Jeff.
Because a good parent is not necessarily a good husband/wife.
Just because two people no longer love each other, doesn't mean they don't love their kids or want what's best for them.
yes this is the fact that boasting something is totally different from what u r . so one should be very clear in his thinking and views.Divorce has never been a solution and should never be as it effects the future of the children and hence one should be sincere to each other.
I really dont see what being a good parent has to do with staying married...
Maybe they're good parents but not good partners.
Lots of mothers drop their husbands after breeding and give all of their attention to their kids, which ends up creating resentment. Either that or dad comes in from work and showers the kids with love and affection, making the grumpy stay-at-home-mom 2nd favourite in the kids eyes, making it more strainful.
u don't have to be married to be a great parent
Denial runs strong in many people, and most parents have a strong desire to consider themselves 'good' parents, even if you can list a bunch of problems. They may counter with "But we really tried" or something similar.
As for divorce, who knows... if staying together creates a horrible environment in which to grow, then it may well be the best thing for parents to do.
However, I believe that folks split up for the silliest reasons sometimes.
I nearly divorced my current husband but we attended a marriage program which saved the marriage. The process is HARD work. So many influences encourage us to give up when things get tough. We need to turn this thinking around. It is a dangerous trend.
The two are totally separate issues. You can be a great parent and still divorce. The divorce has to do with your spouse and not your kids. I think people today rush into marriage without really knowing each other then when they "grow up" they don't really love the person. Another reason is many people put on their "best behavior" in order to please the other person then they are trapped in a marriage that requires them to be who the other person thinks they are or wants them to be. You can't live your life if you can't be yourself. I think it is even sadder if they stay in a marriage like that and lose themselves in the process.
I don't think that being a good parent and a good spouse go hand in hand, they are different realms. Some people stop loving each other, I don't know if that is what you call selfish, but people change and sometimes couples don't change in the same way. It would be nice if that weren't true, but I also think that some parents do a much better job if they don't have the distraction of an unhappy or loveless marriage.
Because being a great mom doesn't necessarily mean you make a great wife and being a great dad doesn't automatically make you a great husband.
I do not think realizing you are not meant to be with the person you are married to does not really have bearing on how much you love your children and whether you will both still put the child's best interest first. Staying together for the sake of the children is not a good example to teach your kids. Trying to make it work longer than if it was just the two of you is understandable, but knowing beyond a shadow of doubt, you are not going to work and then staying together? Wrong.
Well, parenting and marriage don't always go hand in hand you know. There are unmarried couples who are also parents. There are also people who are unmarried, have never married, aren't in relationships and choose to become parents through adoption. Some are left with no choice to be single parents because they are widowed.
As for the reasons why the divorce...those vary with the couples divorcing. Maybe the couple felt pressure to marry due to pregnancy. Maybe they married too young before they really knew themselves. Maybe one outgrew the other...this is usually the case when one puts the other through school and one becomes a professional (Dr, lawyer, etc) and suddenly thinks they are too good for the tired out secretary whose checks put them through school. Maybe one of them decided they loved alcohol, drugs, chasing the opposite (in some cases the same) sex more than they loved their spouse.
Just because someone stays married doesn't mean they have values or committment. It may mean they are afraid of being alone. Afraid to grow. Afraid the other might go after them and kill them (and yes, some folks do threaten others like that.)
I've seen people who were awful partners but who were still good parents, and I've seen people who absorbed in their social life as a couple that they constantly leave their kids behind, send them off to boarding schools and what-not.
and what of couples who do stay married but actively hate each other...and the kids see this? what kind of an example does that set when they see parents playing head games with each other? or parents who stay married for appearances sake, but have lovers on the side (and perhaps whole other families on the other side of town? more common than you think...especially in the so-called "silent" generation)
When it comes down to brass tacks, I can't judge the people who divorce...and neither should anyone else. Including you.
The "love" can just leave. If they were ever in love. If they were in love they would have worked it out. You will only try to work things out if you have deep feelings for them. Sometimes also they boy friend at the time would do nothing but wow his girl friend and then they get married and she is excited and hoping to get wowed more often and the guy sometimes becomes a creep or a lazy slob who needs a hot maid to the chores around the house. And visa versa with woman. I have seen it on both sides. Hope this helps any
sometimes it's the good parent
that
divorces,
staying together is sometimes a worse example.
Its not like they wake up one morning and look at each other and say "Hey, I hate you now." Its usually some issues that cant or wont be worked out and things that are straining the relaationship. And just because parents divorce doesnt mean they are bad parents, my parents have been divorced since I was little and I turned out loving both of them very much. I actually think its better that they got a divorce. Now they are happy, and so am I. They made a better life for me by divorcing. Its not selfish by any means.
People divorce for various reasons, adultery is a very big reason, abuse is another, and some people just get bored with their marriage, i'm not saying these are all good reasons, but it doesn't mean your a bad parent because you get a divorce.
It's preferable to stay as a family unit, but it's not a good idea to do it just for the kids. If you've lost the loving relationship, then your kids will feel the effects of this, and sometimes that's worse.
I am a single mom and I often get the cold shoulder at parks and places like that because I look young. Also so many parents brag about their children and the thing is that your children are they're own person and not a reflection of you. People make mistakes and thats why people end up divorcing. No ones perfect, I think that parents that go through it don't want their children knowing that amount of pain they went through so maybe they are hard on their children.
being"great parents"does not make a great marriage.maybe they concentrated so much on being great parents for their children they forgot to pay attention to their spouse.working on having a great relationship or marriage makes for a great family.
i know many single adults who are great parents.
A 2 person household is normally a more stable environment for children, but being a good parent doesn`t always equate to being a good spouse. Sometimes 1 parent devotes so much time and effort into raising the kids that they don`t have the time, or energy to deal with their husband, or wife. Plus, i`m not so sure that it`s most parents. I know that i could be a better father. I definitely have flaws, but luckily for me, my kids still look at me as superman. I dread the day that they realize I`m just an average guy.
I dont have an answer to that question
I just know there are a lot of kids with only 1 parent at home and really got worst in the past 20 yrs in Canada
My parents are still together though
56 yrs
What is meant by "great" when referring to parents... great parents as in letting their children do what they want to do or particular parenting styles? Divorce can happen from many reasons... perhaps the environment may play a role? Socioeconomic status? Situational factors? Education? Health status? Stress? It's very hard to understand why some parents like to "boast" that they are great parents. It can be self-affirmation or reinforcement to maintain a sense of self-worth. Any negative feelings from ever being considered a "bad" parent may just decrease self-esteem, create anxiety, depression, and these negative feelings can have an effect on those around that specific parent(s)...
Being a great parent doesn't have anything to do with divorcing a Partner .Sometimes parents don't get along and argue or fight all the time .Its better then letting a child grow up to always hear the fights .One can still be a great parent to their child after a divorce .
Our Laws make it to easy to Divorce ,that's why most couples don't even try to work things out anymore .
A child out of a divorced home doesn't necessarily mean they won't be good parents when they have children later in their Life .
i tihnk why they divorce is because of the probable lack of comunication and because they want to seem like just a perfect family and blend it to society. when something goes wrong because of the lack of comunication they overreact and end up doing just the thing they didnt wwant to do ( look like bad parents and make them selves the center of attention(like wearing camo flauge in a big city)) witch generaly isn't the case it's just them over reacting because somthing wrong is happenning and there just a perfect family.
best thing to do istry not to overeact like them....( if there your parents...) but unfortunatly you take on the same habits of the people around you( like your brothers or sisters orparents...
also btw dont ever tell those kinds of parents that there doing something wrong becuse there not the perfect family any more and tey just over react....
well as u mentioned some times its for the best. But today divorce is so high, its just easier to do it than work things out i think. It is upsetting. Especially for the children. Kids grow up and treat relationships the way there parents were with each other. An they dont even realize it.
So many kids grow up fucked up b/c of such decisions. I agree with you. Values have changed, for the worst. I come from an old school Italian family. My mother went to college and stayed home to take care of me and my brothers. My father was a very hard worker. An one thing i learned from them is values. Because at the end of the day, thats one of the few things that really matters
Being a great parent has nothing to do with a person's capacity to be a good spouse, or one committed to making a marriage work.
Commitment and values have been sacrificed on the altar of self. The idea of -- me, my, mine, and whine, whine, whine...is the standard order of our day.
Divorce in a relationship that is abusive, adulterous, or poses some other threat to the health, safety and welfare of one spouse or the children makes sense.
Divorce for any other silly, self-serving reason is ridiculous, and is the main reason society and the family is in the state it's in.
The grass-is-greener syndrome is also partially responsible. The focus is on whom a person doesn't have or who's better (more attractive, sexier, etc.) than the spouse a person already has.
Not to mention, too many people start out with a long list of asinine 'requirements', that a future spouse must possess. There are a few that might be necessary in a futre spouse, but the spouses most young men and women are doesn't really exist.
Transient qualities do not a marriage make.
A wise person once stated, stop focusing on FINDING (during dating) the right spouse, and focus instead on BEING the right spouse.
If more married couples would focus on the other person's happiness instead of their own, both partners could expect to be reasonably content.
Commitment is the key. One that has been engraved in stone. Immovable, unshakable, immutable, commitment.
Wouldn't it be nice if people would go into marriages planning to do their level best to make them last a lifetime, instead of preparing themselves for a quick exit when he going get's tough, or they just aren't 'into it' anymore?
Ah well, such is the world we live in.
God bless you.
It would depend of there definition of good parenting. I agree with you, good parents would most likely NOT get a divorce. However, some do and for good reason.
Just make sure you learn fron their mistakes..
I also agree with 'Randi W'
It's a good question. I can think of two cases. My parents have been together over 50 years, and have stayed true to the "for better or worse", for richer or poorer, and my sister and I, overall, benefited from it, though my mother freely admits she was not a great parent.
I also have friends who live in upstate NY, who married after college, and after several years of marriage, the wife was not happy in the marriage, and though they had a young son, they divorced. However, both the father and mother worked hard to make sure their son had a stable environment, and while he had some issues when he was younger, has turned out pretty well as he approaches his bar mitzvah.