What would you do with this request?!
Question: My father passed away yesterday.
We have been estranged for many years. He skipped out on support, etc. and left Mom to her own devices with two kids. Alcohol, drugs, etc. Train wreck.
His wife called at 3something in the morning, telling me he'd died and that my sisters and I should go there immediately.
Oh, and she wants money.
I respectfully expressed my condolences on her loss, told her I'd call her later, and ended the call. When I called later I said I was not in a position to go there or assist financially.
Please note: I *DID* forgive him years ago, but there's a difference between forgiveness and "okay, you get to be back in my life now."
None of the children he fathered are attending.
Answers: My father passed away yesterday.
We have been estranged for many years. He skipped out on support, etc. and left Mom to her own devices with two kids. Alcohol, drugs, etc. Train wreck.
His wife called at 3something in the morning, telling me he'd died and that my sisters and I should go there immediately.
Oh, and she wants money.
I respectfully expressed my condolences on her loss, told her I'd call her later, and ended the call. When I called later I said I was not in a position to go there or assist financially.
Please note: I *DID* forgive him years ago, but there's a difference between forgiveness and "okay, you get to be back in my life now."
None of the children he fathered are attending.
The man was a stranger. I think you showed enough compassion for that.
you did the right thing
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i have no idea what you are asking sorry but sorry to hear about your dad =[
I guess that is your choice...and if you know later down the line that you will not regret not attending your father's funeral, then let it go.
I, personally, wouldn't spend any hard earned dollar on the funeral of a man that donated a sperm to create me and didn't have the balls or interest to stay in my life and help my mother support me or my siblings financially or emotionally.
Sounds to me you have made your peace with the situation. You don't owe anyone anything and as long as your emotional well being is healthy I would leave things as they stand. Don't let anybody lay any guilt on you at this time, you don't deserve it.
I think you are correct.
NO money to the new wife, if he didn't take care of things, it's not up to you by any means.
You have made your peace , don't let a stranger talk you out of it.
i would not give her any money, but i would attend the funeral or at least pay respects, like evn thoe he has done all that to u he is still ur father, and holding a grudge isnt gonna change that at all. he`s human, and ino he did horrible things but he`s not perfect or close to it but u gotta forgive him eventully and it not fair to hold a grudge against him if he`s dead and cant convince u bak anymore.
What balls she had to ask you for money!
You handled it very well, sweetie.
You owe those people nothing.
Just move ahead with your life, as usual.
I have been in the same position as you...Its not a nice place to be. You must do what is right for you...If that is to not attend or have any part of it, then that is your choice and no one should tell you that you're wrong...
ah ya yoy. This is all too similar to me. My dad passed away two months ago. My dad still lived with us, he had been an alcoholic and abusive my whole life. Five years ago he stopped drinking and everything got better for him. All the kids forgave him except for me, and I took everything he did pretty bad because of the abuse. A year before he died, I started forgiving him and things were going better and he had a lot more life to live, but he suddenly died from a stroke. So that is my story.
Please go to the funeral. He is your father, and as much as he has not been part of your life, you should attend. You need to do it for closure and for the memories, and for your own sake for the future.
Your family should all go, even your mom, although it is very hard. I know if I had an ex-husband, no matter how much I hated him, I would still go to the funeral because they were part of my life.
Also, as far as money, personally, I would not give, but if you are in the financial position to give some away, you should do it. If you are not, a nice card expressing your condolences would be really appreciated.
Best of luck, give yourself time to grieve, even though it hasn't hit you and it may seem silly.
I would definitely go support and show your respect. I've had similar experience as a child. And just like yourself I forgave him years ago. But after all he is your father right or wrong, or good or bad. He is you and you are him. You have only one father in this lifetime. I am most sure he was most regretful of not being a good father to you. I am sure you are gonna have a lot regrets on your death bed either. Showing some respect and if you can help out with the money support, then I am sure you will be glad when you grow older.
Very sorry for your loss. I would have done exactly as you did, no kidding. But I would have also asked myself the following question, "Will I feel any guilt for not saying goodbye to him one last time and if so, can I live with it without regrets?"
See, if you will have regrets later in life, is it worth it?
But if you sincerely can not afford to go, then there should be no guilt or regrets. Hope I helped.
Wow, tough call. I guess, and I can only guess here okay, is that I would try to remember one thing.
Your mother loved him at one point, and he did her. (at least we will assume for the moment okay?) Out of respect for that small thing..I would try to go to the funeral..however I would make it clear to the wife..I am not prepared to offer any financial help in any form.
As you said, you forgave him, but of course you could not forget, nor should you have. But for bringing you in to this world..I am leaning towards showing him that despite his actions..you are man enough to show him the SMALL bit of respect he might deserve. He did do something right..once.
Really tough call. Whatever you decide, will be the right decision. That much I am sure of. Go or not, you will make the right choice.
You are on the money with your sentiment regarding forgiveness versus putting yourself in a position to get hurt again.
I've spoke none to few times about personal boundaries on Y!A. It's all about what you're comfortable with because your obligation is first to yourself. If, for whatever reason, you cannot lend assistance (financial or otherwise) then you did the right thing by communicating that.
Again, don't base what you should do on what others think or whether the other children he fathered are coming or not. Search out your feelings and you do what is right for you. Perhaps try to consider how you'd feel by going. Imagine yourself doing certain things and pay attention to what emotions doing so elicits. That will be your answer.
i have a dad who is not in my life, either. i know this day will come to me one day too. my best suggestion is to try and see yourself doing all of the possibilities. how will you feel if you go? how will you feel if you don't go. i say play it out in your mind and that should help lead you to a decision. and about the money? i think you have that answer already. best to you in this tough time.